What to Do BEFORE Telling Them

A narcissist won’t take a deciding to divorce as a mutual decision—they’ll see it as a personal attack. Expect denial, anger, manipulation, or even sudden love-bombing to try to regain control. They won’t process the situation like a reasonable person, which means you need to be ready for anything.

The first step is making sure you have a support system in place before breaking the divorce news. Friends, family, a therapist, or even a divorce coach can help you navigate the inevitable backlash. If you expect an extreme reaction—whether emotional or physical—consider whether telling them in person is even a good idea. In some cases, it may be safer to have the conversation in a public place, over the phone, or through an attorney.

If you’re worried about how they’ll react, trust that instinct. Safety comes first.

Secure Your Finances and Digital Privacy

Divorcing a narcissist is as much a financial battle as it is an emotional one. If they sense you’re leaving, they might try to drain accounts, rack up debt in your name, or make it as difficult as possible for you to be financially independent. That’s why you need to act before they know what’s happening.

Start by gathering copies of financial records: bank statements, tax returns, loan agreements, property deeds. Basically anything that involves joint money. If you don’t already have a separate bank account, open one in your name and reroute direct deposits if necessary. Update your passwords for email, financial accounts, and even social media. If they have access to your personal information, assume they will use it against you.

Some narcissists will also monitor your location or online activity. If you suspect this, check for spyware on your devices and consider getting a new phone or laptop before making any major moves.

Consult a Divorce Attorney

Divorcing a narcissist isn’t like divorcing a typical partner. They won’t play fair, they won’t respect agreements, and they’ll use every legal loophole they can to stall, intimidate, or control you. This is why it’s critical to have an attorney before you tell them anything.

Find a lawyer who understands high-conflict divorces—one who knows how to handle someone who will lie, twist facts, and try to game the system. If you have children, custody will be their biggest leverage point, so get legal advice on your rights and potential protective measures. Some situations may require restraining orders, emergency custody filings, or freezing joint accounts. The sooner you know your options, the better prepared you’ll be.

Some attorneys will even help you plan what to say and how to handle their reaction. If you’re unsure how to approach it, ask for guidance—this isn’t the time for improvisation.

Decide on a Safe and Controlled Setting

Where and how you break the news matters. A narcissist thrives on control, and a setting that gives them the upper hand—like your shared home—can be a mistake. If they have a history of emotional outbursts, aggression, or manipulative behavior, the safest option may be telling them from a distance or having an attorney do it for you.

If you decide to do it in person, pick a neutral location where they’re less likely to explode. A public setting can reduce the chances of a dramatic reaction. If you’re worried about safety, consider having a friend nearby or arranging an exit plan ahead of time.

Some people think they owe their spouse a long, drawn-out explanation. They don’t. Your goal isn’t to have a discussion, it’s to deliver the message and get out.

Plan Your Words Carefully

A narcissist will take any uncertainty as an opening to manipulate. That’s why your wording should be short, firm, and leave no room for negotiation. The more you explain, the more they’ll find ways to twist your reasoning.

Saying “I think we should get a divorce” sounds like an invitation to argue. Saying “I have decided to file for divorce” shuts that down. Keep it direct, emotionless, and final. If they try to pull you into an argument, repeat your statement without engaging. The less they can work with, the less power they have over the situation.

What to Do After Telling Them

It goes without saying that divorce can be difficult…beyond difficult. Even more so when the person in question is a narcissist that will likely retaliate. So in preparation, here are some steps to take that may be wise to keep in mind.

Set Boundaries Immediately

A narcissist won’t just accept the news and move on, they will test your resolve, try to wear you down, or find ways to keep you emotionally hooked. The only way to stop this is to establish firm boundaries right away. This means limiting contact to only what is necessary, preferably through email or a communication app that keeps records. If they try to drag you into emotional discussions, redirect everything back to logistics. Things like legal processes, finances, or custody arrangements. The more emotional engagement they get from you, the more they will feed off of it.

In some cases, a narcissist may agree to the divorce but insist on dragging out the process. They might stall paperwork, make endless counter-demands, or suddenly become agreeable just to reel you back in. Recognizing these tactics early allows you to shut them down before they derail your progress. 

Anticipate Manipulation and Retaliation

Narcissists don’t let go easily. Even if they act like they’re fine with the divorce, at some point, their ego will demand a response. This could mean attempting to make you jealous, turning friends and family against you, or suddenly becoming the “perfect” spouse again.

Some common tactics include:

  • Guilt-tripping: “I gave you everything, and this is how you repay me?”
  • Playing the victim: “I’m the one being abandoned after everything I’ve done for you.”
  • Fake self-improvement: “I’ve changed, I’m going to therapy, I just need one more chance.”
  • Smear campaigns: Telling mutual friends or even your workplace lies about you.
  • Financial sabotage: Refusing to pay bills, draining accounts, or racking up debt in your name.

If they can’t win you back, they’ll try to punish you. The best way to handle this is documentation and emotional detachment. Keep a record of everything. If they threaten you, save it. If they refuse to follow legal agreements, log it. The more proof you have, the easier it is to fight back in court if necessary.

Protect Your Emotional Well-being

Even if you’re the one initiating the divorce, ending a relationship with a narcissist is mentally exhausting. You’re not just walking away from a bad marriage—you’re undoing years of conditioning, self-doubt, and psychological manipulation. Therapy can be invaluable, whether it’s with a professional who specializes in narcissistic abuse or a support group where you can talk to people who understand exactly what you’re going through.

It’s also important to recognize the emotional traps they might set. Some narcissists will deliberately push your buttons to provoke a reaction, knowing that even anger or frustration means they still have control over your emotions. Others will try to isolate you from friends and family by turning them against you. This is why maintaining outside support is crucial—you need people in your corner who see the situation clearly and won’t fall for their manipulations.

Follow Through with Legal and Custody Plans

A narcissist’s number one strategy is to stall. They’ll ignore deadlines, refuse to sign paperwork, and create unnecessary disputes just to keep you entangled. If you don’t stay firm, the process can drag on for years. The best way to counter this is to stick to the legal process without getting sidetracked by their distractions. Let your attorney handle the fights, and don’t engage in negotiations that aren’t necessary.

If children are involved, things can get even messier if steps aren’t taken to minimize them. A narcissist may try to weaponize custody, using your kids as bargaining chips or attempting to paint you as an unfit parent. Judges see this all the time, but it’s still important to keep records of all interactions, missed visitations, or inappropriate behavior. Family courts don’t care about narcissism, they care about evidence. Make sure you have it.

Prepare for a Smear Campaign

A narcissist’s reputation is everything, and once they realize they can’t control you anymore, they’ll try to control how others see you. Expect them to spread false stories to mutual friends, family, or even coworkers. The best response is no response. Fighting back only gives them more material to work with, and anyone who believes their lies without asking your side was never really in your corner to begin with.

If their attempts to ruin your reputation cross the line into harassment or defamation, consider legal action. Otherwise, stay focused on your own life and let time reveal the truth. The people who matter will see through their act eventually.

Once you’ve set boundaries, protected yourself legally, and built a support system, the final step is learning how to move forward without them taking up mental space. That’s the real victory—not just leaving, but finally being free.